Got started crying about 5 and can't seem to stop for long.
Said goodbye to mom until after surgery maybe and it seemed she's not my mom anymore already. She has developed this strange half-witted guffaw like someone of challenged intelligence or a small child who has not yet learned what's appropriate. It seemed worse this evening.
It felt like it may be the last goodbye ever.
Everyone agreed I should come home to rest but they're all at the hospital and I'm all alone. It's so unfair! Every time I think this illness has taken all it can it takes more. I told chris I hate being the family weakling. But then I squelched that notion in myself quickly because it's not about me. It's about mom and I have lots of other strengths to offer the family team.
I hope to go in early tomorrow to see her before they start at 6 am. Then I'm supposed to go to massage therapy which is a necessity for me to keep functioning but I feel really guilty and useless right now.
I am glad Dad is getting to stay though. They're bringing in a cot for him so hopefully theyll have some good intimate time and some good rest.
Going to try to stop bawling and eat and rest now.
Benji and Katrina will help me tonight.
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I'm so sorry to hear Becky. I know how hard it is to watch and not be able to change outcomes. Just being her advocate is important too, but everyone is right, you do need to take care of yourself. Get some puppy love from Benji and try to get some sleep. So sorry I haven't been able to connect with you...long story, but we'll catch up eventually!
ReplyDeleteBecky, you possess such a gentle and loving spirit. I know your presence and support for your family is a blessing. Please take care of yourself and know that my prayers are with you all.
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