Lingering Unhappily

Hi all. Havent been writing much because the news from Ohio is often beyond awful. Benji and I continue to have our adventures in West Hollywood and have settled well into our new pad. And I'm doing well at work. But our life here seems surreal and dream-like, running parallel and far away from the family life in Ohio which is nightmarish. Chris said last week, "When am I ever going to wake up from this nightmare!"

Mother continues to decline. She is completely immobile and it takes four people to move her at times because she is completely unable to help them. She has declined music therapy (a woman who comes to play and sing) and often prefers to lay in the dark without visitors. She often feels its too much to deal with now.

But Chris says "mom and i visited the caribbean today via a magazine eric sent me. [I suggested] to be on vacation instead of the reality to relax us. she liked that idea. She enjoyed the beautiful pictures and told me to thank him which i have. i wasnt sure she would even look at it but i told her we would pretend we were on vacation in the caribbean isles."

So they had a few moments of niceness today. But Mom is making it clear that she does not want to be here any more and is ready to fly away. Unfortunately we don't get to choose the time.

I keep bumping into or remembering or seeking out lyrics of songs that remind me of life with her or how I am thinking about her so much now. Every fourth thought belongs to her most of the time. It makes it hard to function but I'm struggling along. It seems so false, to put on the fake happy face (which feels like it must look like a grimace) and chit chat about mundane things with people, but I cling to those moments because they are fleeting breaks from the tape that plays in my head about Mom all the time.

Cedars Sinai hospital where I work now was given a grand piano which they put in a lobby. They have asked employees who can play to volunteer. I was the only one who came forward and they said I can although not one of their employees. I have to audition informally which makes me nervous. I got out lots of music over the weekend but really struggled because I am so out of practice and have been completely away from my piano for months. I found that I need to stick to easy stuff I've played for years or practice a lot before auditioning. I asked my landlord here (who has been super nice making sure we have everything we need) whether he knew of anyone in the building here with a piano. My neighbor directly below has one and I am going to get introduced to ask the favor of being allowed to practice there. I'd really like to be able to share the old Christmas music from Grandma Swain's old book at the hospital, the new David Lanz Christmas music (modern arrangements - he's a new age composer) that I've been learning the last few years. I'm sure my playing won't be Hollywood style, but it will be heartfelt and homey and that may be a good thing to offer here in glitter-land.

I have always imagined playing as though someone is listening because it helps me to spin out my magic into the air. Mom has always been my most avid listener and I play most often for her. Already it's not the same. Part of me wants to run from it and the pain of that loss.

But the bigger part of me wants to keep playing for her, whether she is listening from the same room, watching over my shoulder at the hospital, in Ohio at Autumn, or in heaven. She has always been my biggest fan, for my piano, and my life.

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