Rainy Day Visit

From Chris: Good Morning I'm spending a rainy Tues visiting with Mom. the hospice chaplan was just in and prayed with us Mom is sleeping mostly no pain she says


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News of the Day

I decided to go to Tucson for Thanksgiving, not to Ohio, after all.  I reconsidered when the flight rates dropped, but still decided not to put myself through the long travel on this holiday weekend.  It would set me back, healthwise, and emotionally, and I have started to more forward in both respects.  And Mother doesn't even want to talk to me by phone lately, she is so poorly.

Chris says she took a little yogurt and water for her this morning, but is very sleepy.  Pray for Chrissy's little Sammie, her Papillon.  They think he may have a dislocated hip and he is in a huge amount of pain.

Just got this note from Jane Patty, ""Becky we are half way to Ohio, Mom is tolerating the ride, she's trying to hide how much pain she's in. We'll be there soon."

I wish I had known they were still planning to come - that may have swayed me.  But it's probably best this way.  I told Chris I feel badly about not coming for Thanksgiving and Amy's wedding and she said, "I don't think we'll be having too good a Thanksgiving this year, anyway."  I said, "All the more reason I should be there."  Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

Benny and I will experience the joy of LAX at Thanksgiving this afternoon and will be home this evening through Sunday.  My friend Page and I will be having a meal together tomorrow and I hope to hike with Tamera and Kevin, other friends.  And hopefully see Karen and Kendra and get some work done at the house.  And piano practice.  And massage/chiro/acupuncture. And a haircut.  And yoga.  (my legs are still screaming from the hills near the apartment here)

And rest, lots of good rest in my own bed.

Song Lyrics for the Day, "Going Home"

Heard this over the weekend on a CD of Chloe Agnew's (she's one of the Celtic Women, the most beautiful voice you ever heard).

Going home, going home

I'm a going home
Quiet like, some still day
I'm just going home

It's not far, just close by
Through an open door
Work all done, care laid by
Going to fear no more

Mother's there, expecting me
Father's waiting, too
Lots of folk gathered there
All the friends I knew
All the friends I knew

Home, home, I'm going home

Nothing's lost, all is gain
No more fret nor pain
No more stumbling on the way
No more longing for the day
Going to roam no more

Morning star, lights the way
Restless dream all done
Shadows gone, break of day
Real life has begun

There's no break, there's no end
Just a living on
Wide awake, with a smile
Going on and on

Going home, going home
I'm just going home
It's not far, just close by
Through an open door

I'm just going home

We're Not in Kansas Any More, Toto

Benny and I are learning a lot:

1) They love(d) halloween here.

2) The driving takes some getting used to. There is no "leading left" at the lights like there is in AZ. That's when after all the straight green lanes go, then the left lane goes. Not so here, and they honk rudely when you mess it up.  They honk rudely if you make a complete stop at a stop sign or look both ways before going, too.

3) Room service is expensive. I ordered oatmeal, an English Muffin and OJ the first morning and it was something like $6 + $8 + $2. with the fees they tacked on plus tip it was $25!! For oatmeal!!

4) It takes a long time to boil water here. The man who brought breakfast at the hotel apologized for its delay, explaining that it takes a long time to get the water boiling in the morning. I laughed out loud thinking he was joking, only to turn and see he was dead serious!

5) "The Help" is generally not acknowledged here and they are surprised when you notice them as human beings.

6) You could lose the hair from your arm (or the arm) from the passing of fast cyclists and skateboarders on the sidewalk.  You don't even hear them coming, then suddenly whoosh - and I feel like I should be spinning like on the cartoons in reaction to a fast passer.  Whew!

7) There are women here who really look like that "Cootchy Cootchy" lady - Charo - with stretched skin over skeletal cheekbones and lips smeared across their faces. Or else I saw her on Santa Monica Boulevard when she stopped to admire Benji.

8) There really are women here who walk like they are on a fashion runway all the time. Even at Cedars in IT - complete with the very high heels.  Some women are also so caught up in themselves and their image of how to be that they pointedly look askance at my flat shoes and big booty.  I have a few words for them:  Get real, get some decent values that are not centered on one-upmanship and get over it.

9) One is in danger of aquiring an Asian English accent working here in IT. The majority of the staff are Chinese or Asian Indian so you start wanting to talk in very precise clipped rhythms just to fit in! and the boss is Jamaican, I think, so i have to try to re-tune my ear to understand him.  The other day I had a meeting with an Armenian(?) woman and a Australian woman and I had a terrible time understanding them - more so the Australian!

10) My hotel was near Melrose and La Cienega. One evening we walked north to Santa Monica Boulevard and then west on it, and suddenly, Toto, we were not in Kansas any more.  It dawned on me gradually that I was seeing exclusively male couples of a distinctive sort. And then a lot of men's underwear stores.  And paraphernalia of a disturbing sort.  You know, leather, chains, etc.

Benji is thriving on the variety and all the people loving him, and lots of dogs to greet.

While working on the apartment search:

1) Creepy guy who said he'd come out to get me at the street then didn't. When I called he said, "How am I supposed to know you're here if you don't get out of the car?". I replied, "Because I'm the only one out here and I have the dome light on so you can see me!".  It was a strange neighborhood. Remote, very dark.  I was  not sure I wanted to get out of the car there but the guy sounded OK - and gay. Still, at that point I said, "OK, lets just skip it." Suddenly it didn't feel right any more.

2) Gay pretty young woman and her friend who seemed disappointed in me. Turned out to be a room-mate sitiation which was not clear in the ad.

3) Pretty nice quintessential Hollywood 1940's place, a small complex with pool in the middle, all facing the pool. Furnished bedroom, living room, kitchen, bath. Parking garage. coin laundry. Pretty good. Nice neighbors. Very nice neighbor Corgi who Benji liked a lot.

4). Very small furnished bedroom, kitchen, bath, adjoined to a house. Parking in driveway.

5)  Park LaBrea which was beautiful.  Across from LACMA and the La Brea tar pits.  Very nice, fully furnished and you could pick your furnishings.  But - $500 per month in pet rent in addition to steep pet deposits.

And yes, Chris, I checked the mattresses for bed bugs!!

It all worked out for the best in the end.  As Benji told you, our new place is awesome!  Very quiet and nice friendly people.  I met the man downstairs earlier in the week when he was out in his back "yard" (aka the pool deck) and my landlord had told me he had a piano and would probably be open to my playing it.  I finally worked up the nerve to ask him yesterday and went down to play it today.  I'd never heard of the brand - Petroff - but it's a fabulous instrument and I really warmed up, finally, and my head got on straight enough that by the end I was playing pretty decently.  I think it's time to audition.

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Post from Chris today

mom was OK today no apparent pain but very sleepy jami and chaz are in town all visited and Mom is very bravely sweetly hanging in there


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From Thursday - At LAX returning rental car

It has been a cool adventure.  Beautiful sunny day, 64 degrees. I dropped a car (and company) that would not allow me to extend my rental for the next five months. Then I took their shuttle to LAX and got off the first place they stopped because it didn't matter what airline I was near, I was just going downstairs to get the new rental car company’s shuttle.

Well it looked so different from the Southwest terminal! I was in the international area. Standing waiting for the shuttle outside I saw a lot of little Asian pilots and tiny "stewardesses" in their modern slim skirts with hair in chopsticks. It felt like I was suddenly in a foreign country, with signs for Malaysia, Philippines, Thai, Swiss, etc airlines. There were very few Caucasian faces and very little English spoken. One man was carrying a Chinese(?) department store bag with a beautiful Asian woman on it in an elegant modern black dress. But she looked uncannily American, with a high bridge to her nose and wide eyes and her perfect heart-shaped face. So beautiful! I had read that plastic surgery for those two things, in China, has become very common, to heighten the nose bridge and open those inner eye "pockets" (not sure that's what they are really called). So interesting.

I overhear folks with lots of heavy accents on lunch break at work, talking about their long flights home, their investment adventures on the stock market, what's up, what's down. They seem so worldly and able, working here, knowing a second language well enough to do this very complicated technical work.  Pretty impressive.

I also asked a cab driver one evening about his accent and he said that he is Armenian. I had heard the same accent at work a lot and wondered. He asked a lot of questions about my ancestry. It seemed to matter to him. When I said that the greatest part of my lineage is Hungarian, my paternal grandmother’s father having come over to escape the Boer wars, he told me about Armenian history. He said that scads of Armenians had escaped a civil war and come to the Los Angeles area, that there is a large community of Armenians here. But there are two groups, one of which had done a huge genocide against the other.  This was before the Jewish genocide that we all think of, and it killed many more people, but most Americans aren’t aware of it the way that we are of the Jewish holocaust.  So there is still resentment in America between these two groups of Armenians.  He knew by my co-worker’s first name that he was one of the “other” ones.

I know that my Dad and lots of other people right now are concerned about so many immigrants coming into America, but I can’t seem to see it as a problem without feeling hypocritical.  Since Grandpa Kosh immigrated, that makes me only a third  generation American on that side of my lineage.  How could I say that others shouldn’t be allowed to come here and seek a better life for their families like he did?

Good words to live by from Edith Wharton

I ran across this quote this morning that I'd tucked away and kept on my frig for a while at Murphys Pond.  It seems especially apropro now:

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.

Lingering Unhappily

Hi all. Havent been writing much because the news from Ohio is often beyond awful. Benji and I continue to have our adventures in West Hollywood and have settled well into our new pad. And I'm doing well at work. But our life here seems surreal and dream-like, running parallel and far away from the family life in Ohio which is nightmarish. Chris said last week, "When am I ever going to wake up from this nightmare!"

Mother continues to decline. She is completely immobile and it takes four people to move her at times because she is completely unable to help them. She has declined music therapy (a woman who comes to play and sing) and often prefers to lay in the dark without visitors. She often feels its too much to deal with now.

But Chris says "mom and i visited the caribbean today via a magazine eric sent me. [I suggested] to be on vacation instead of the reality to relax us. she liked that idea. She enjoyed the beautiful pictures and told me to thank him which i have. i wasnt sure she would even look at it but i told her we would pretend we were on vacation in the caribbean isles."

So they had a few moments of niceness today. But Mom is making it clear that she does not want to be here any more and is ready to fly away. Unfortunately we don't get to choose the time.

I keep bumping into or remembering or seeking out lyrics of songs that remind me of life with her or how I am thinking about her so much now. Every fourth thought belongs to her most of the time. It makes it hard to function but I'm struggling along. It seems so false, to put on the fake happy face (which feels like it must look like a grimace) and chit chat about mundane things with people, but I cling to those moments because they are fleeting breaks from the tape that plays in my head about Mom all the time.

Cedars Sinai hospital where I work now was given a grand piano which they put in a lobby. They have asked employees who can play to volunteer. I was the only one who came forward and they said I can although not one of their employees. I have to audition informally which makes me nervous. I got out lots of music over the weekend but really struggled because I am so out of practice and have been completely away from my piano for months. I found that I need to stick to easy stuff I've played for years or practice a lot before auditioning. I asked my landlord here (who has been super nice making sure we have everything we need) whether he knew of anyone in the building here with a piano. My neighbor directly below has one and I am going to get introduced to ask the favor of being allowed to practice there. I'd really like to be able to share the old Christmas music from Grandma Swain's old book at the hospital, the new David Lanz Christmas music (modern arrangements - he's a new age composer) that I've been learning the last few years. I'm sure my playing won't be Hollywood style, but it will be heartfelt and homey and that may be a good thing to offer here in glitter-land.

I have always imagined playing as though someone is listening because it helps me to spin out my magic into the air. Mom has always been my most avid listener and I play most often for her. Already it's not the same. Part of me wants to run from it and the pain of that loss.

But the bigger part of me wants to keep playing for her, whether she is listening from the same room, watching over my shoulder at the hospital, in Ohio at Autumn, or in heaven. She has always been my biggest fan, for my piano, and my life.

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I like it here! (from Benji)

Mom found us a great haven!  It's really quiet and beautiful here, and interesting with lots of dogs.  I can look out the sliding glass door to the pool area and the ravine beyond because we're on this big steep hill.  It's all green and lush.  It hurts Mom's legs to take me walking around here, though, but she seems to be getting better at it already.  I want to run up the hill, but she can't keep up.  And I want to run down to Sunset Boulevard to see the sights and all the dogs and visit all the restaurants and shops.  I guess I've become a city dog because I really like that, now.

The floors in this place are nice and warm because Mom says they have heaters.  I hang out on the bathroom rug a lot, or in her closet where her smell is with all her clothes.  I like it there when she's gone at work.  I'm OK with that routine, already.  We have our rituals.  She gives me one-two-three cookies when she's leaving for a long time, like for work.  Then I know it's my turn to watch the house and I have to be a good boy and wait a long time before I can pee outside.  Then she comes and we walk right away and I get to explore the neighborhood as long as her legs hold out and it's not too cold.

Here is our new address through mid-April sometime. Mom says we'll be visiting Tucson, but staying most of the time here in West Hollywood.


1230 HORN AVE APT 515
WEST HOLLYWOOD CA 90069-2118

There's lots of security here, too.  Everything has fences and locks and needs keys or buzzers.  And all the cars are underneath the apartments.


Here's a quick pic of our new place.  Mom says she knows she owes you guys some posts and will catch up soon.

Love,

Benji

She is Amazing Us Again

From Chris: Mom is amazing us again. she got up and ate breakfast. I did her nails then she sent me to get candy. I got andes mints and pb cups she is very much improved, even talking better.

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The Road to Heaven Shortens

Dad, Charlie, Chris, and I all received calls from Autumn early this morning to let us know that Mother is much worse today.  She had another spell of non-responsiveness this morning, and coupled with other signs, they believe that her time is probably very short now, 3 hours to 3 days.

We let Dave know, and we're unsure about his plans now.  He had planned a trip home over this weekend, but he may wait, now, since it's unlikely she could talk with him.  Chris said she did get Mom to take a little water this morning, though, and Mom has surprised us before.

Prayers.  We're having a hard time letting go, and Dave and I are having a hard time being so far away right now.

"I must have done something good"

I finally found a great apartment in West Hollywood!  I'll be moving Wednesday!


It's as nice as it looks in the pictures: 

Elegance and sophistication on [North of] The Sunset Strip! FULLY FURNISHED WITH TWICE A MONTH CLEANING, unit includes all towels, linens, dishes, entertaining bar ware, and small kitchen appliances. This fully furnished and extremely spacious unit has been completely remodeled and includes: heated floors, spa tub, SS/Granite kitchen with standard small appliances, ice maker, dishwasher, LCD 1080P HD TV's with DVD, surround sound, full-size Washer/Dyer in unit, custom walk-in closet, and gas fireplace, Bedroom has additional HD-LCD TV and room darkening shades. Brazilian cherry and heated travertine floors throughout. Outdoor balcony with fountain and table and chairs overlooks the pool. Building amenities include heated pool [to 87 degrees year-round], hot tub, saunas, weight room, guest parking, security, on-site mgmt, and sun-deck with incredible views! Just A couple of blocks to fine dining, shopping, nightlife.

Also got Benny set up in daycare for a half day today.  I made a lunch date for Sunday with a woman I met on the plane from Tucson.  Staying in LA this weekend, planning to rest a lot and catch up on my mail and paperwork.

Things are taking shape and I'm cruising fast through work now.

Come visit me!

Pumpkin Pie Cake and The Road to Heaven

From David:

"Kayla has a 'how to' speech to do and wanted to make pumpkin pie cake for it. I got down the recipe book that mom made up for me for xmas a few years ago, opened it up and there was a picture of her and dad in much happier times. I immediately started crying like a baby. Part of me wonders, somewhat hopefully, when that book won't render such a response. Another much less manly part of me secretly hopes it always does."

And from me:

"Dave, what a wonder you are. I always knew you were one of the best men I knew.

I know, I spent a while on the phone with Chris this evening crying. She had some very frank talk with Mom today about Mom going to heaven and how much we're going to miss her, how lucky Chris feels to have shared so many good years with Mom and Dad. They talked about how Norma Knoch died at 43, and Daena in her 20's. We have been blessed with a lot of good years. Somehow that doesn't seem to make them easier to let go of. It just doesn't seem fathomable that we have to go on without her, and that she doesn't get to go on with us. It's that trick of God's that has made me mad ever since about fifth grade. Why make us sentient and able to look around and wonder about ourselves, but not give us the answers, let us see what it's all about? Why make us wonder, but leave us in the dark? My idea of heaven will be answers to all of those questions, the ability to look past every mental wall, and the ability to watch all of human history like it's TV - but I get to decide what to watch, with no closed doors.

Love you,

Beck"

Oatmeal Cookies and Kisses and The Road to Heaven

From sister Chris,

"Beck I just went over a jillion e-mails can't remember if I told you that I bawled like a baby when Dad shared this with me. He said he was kissin on Mom and they had been talking and she said she was ready for heaven. Dad said he told her just to keep lookin back over her shoulder and he would be there with her soon. He went home and baked oatmeal cookies for her and took them directly back in as soon as they were cool, he had forgotten he promised to make them the day before. The tears are starting fresh as I type this to you, I don't know if I can bear the pain of losing these wonderful people from my life. I know we have been spoiled, look at Jen's father---UUGGGHH what a terrible disapointment for her. I hope that I have made up for my poor choice somehow by trying to be a great Mom. Somehow she must have enough Miller/Swain in her to sustain her and lead her to a happy life. Take care in the land of fruits and nuts, my experiences from years ago make me afraid for you.


Love and Kisses,

Sis"
 
And about the land of fruits and nuts, it's not too bad.  I don't feel unsafe here.  I feel invisible here, actually, and that's a good thing.  No one notices a too-heavy old lady out here, much.  And Ben watches out for me and alarms me if anything is amiss.  I sleep very soundly, but he definitely alerts me if there's unusual noise, and he gets better and better at sorting out what is unusual and what is normal at the hotel.  And the staff at the hotel are now used to seeing us and are very kind.
 
Well...back to work.

Glum, Dour and Sad instead of Macabre, Silly or Scary

Ever have someone you love dieing around Halloween?  It's downright awful.  Our entire office space is filled with skulls, bloody body parts, and tombstones.  I'm finding it very oppressive, but I've not said a word, just turned a few skulls around so I won't have to look at them while working at my desk.  It made me wonder what it must be like for people who don't celebrate Christmas to put up with all the Christmas stuff around, or maybe I should say "X-mas" since it's mostly snow men, packages, candy canes, and Christmas trees.

Today I had my moments, both good and bad. Watched the costume contest at work for a few minutes.  Walked Benji to the cafe for dinner, then to the area they'd shut down for the big parade in West Hollywood - one of the biggest in the world just a block from my hotel.  I came home from work at 4, having worked through lunch, so I could get the car parked and out of the traffic before it all started.  The crowd was pretty mellow, but energetic, and the costumes weren't as outrageous as I thought they might be.  Lots of zombies, pirates, wenches, sailors (and other Village People), and women dressed like sluts so they could show off their bodies. 

Benji and I put up with a really loud gang next to our hotel room for several hours, and as they left at about 10 PM - loudly - I put out my head to ask them to be quiet when they return since I have to work tomorrow.  To my surprise, the beautiful young man standing there was almost naked!  A cape, G-string like thing, and shoes were all he had on.  He was very polite, and I even managed to keep my eyes on his face!

I worked really hard at home and back at the hotel on paperwork and bills - which I don't seem capable of paying correctly and on time any more. Chris and I have decided we're suffering from mental retardation from emotional strain - she's having the same symptom.


Hospice called today asking how I'm doing and I couldn't say I'm doing well, but I couldn't think what they could do to help me. I asked if they had any ideas about how I could get one of my meds the insurance company denied, but they didn't have any ideas I've not already tried. The insurance company won't even give me a price without insurance - for if I wanted to pay out of pocket for it. They say it's not available that way. Since when do insurance companies get to decide that, if I have a prescription for it? In the meantime I'm suffering without it and waiting on my doctor's appeal letter.

Anyway, Chris told me this morning to "put on that Miller smile" and go show them my stuff. That helped me. We Millers have good smiles and a lot to smile about.

It's just so heartbreaking that Mom has had to go through this. She has been so active and vital and intelligent for so long. I found some notes of hers this evening while sorting stuff and I'll transcribe them someday and it just breaks your heart to see how her brain took such a hit. These were from the manic period after surgery. There were so many scribbles I'm still making my way through them.  She talks about her nice birthday party and all the people who were there.
Bless her. That's all we can do now, is bless her with our love.