Sick, but Normal

I read a very good book, loaned by my neighbor, on the subject of grief recently, Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking".  In it, she described the sort of pain and irrational thought that became her habit in the year following her husband's death.  At one point, she says, getting rid of her husband's shoes seemed to be the wrong thing to do because he may need them again.  She found she often thought like a small child, that if she wanted something to be so, it was.

I keep finding my brain does similar things.  Virtually every day, I see something that Mom would like (present tense intended), or that I should call Mom about, or remember to tell Mom about.  She was my cheering section, my adorer, and my sounding board for all of my life, so I am finding that all neural pathways lead back to her. Those habits of thought and pathways in the brain are still there, even though my rational self, in the next split second, tells me that I'm off base and it's not possible to call her.  The permanence of that situation is horrifying, if I dwell on it much.  When people say, "I'm so sorry you lost your Mother.", that is apt.  I did lose my mother - she is lost and can't be found, permanently.

Joan Didion's book talks about this scientifically:

So I guess I am normal.  Sick, but normal.

A Measure of My Crazy Year

I am just today restocking condiments from last August when Rod moved out, taking half, or anything that would spoil before I returned. That's how far behind I have been and how long it has taken me to catch up on the basics.

This week I became very frustrated with myself being despondent and I have vowed to get myself caught up here at home this next week so I will be ready for the next go 'round, when I start work again. Then Benji and I may take a car trip to cooler climes, if I can find any within a reasonable drive distance.

On the up side, I have been getting a lot of exercise.

And I completed two big pillow covers for the living room. They turned out great, but a little bigger than they should have been for the pillow size, but I think they will do. I even cut bias strips and created the same-fabric piping for around the edges, encasing cotton tubing. Love the color!


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Location:E Taos Pl,Tucson,United States

My Kitchen Thermometer

The thermometer guides my days now. Benji watches me in the morning as I watch my kitchen indoor outdoor thermometer until it gets to near 80 indoors, close windows, turn up the overhead fans in bedroom and office, turn column fan on in dining room, turn the swamp cooler water on, come back in five minutes and turn the cooler fan on, monitor using thermometer, turn cooler fan up when indoors gets over 80 degrees. Siesta in the afternoon. In the evening, watch for when the outdoor temperature matches the indoor temperature, about 80 again, and turn the cooler off, open windows. Later, close front windows, turn off dining and office fans, turn on security system for the night.

I think Benji would jump up to turn on the cooler switches if he were desperate and I was not around. He totally gets what it's all about, it seems. He won't set foot outside mid-day.

And to me it seems like it's storming out every day. We stay hunkered down inside all day. The 30-40 degree swing each day makes me hurt and be tired all the time.

This is what it said earlier, over 80 inside in spite of my best efforts.



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Location:E Taos Pl,Tucson,United States

Status - No Real News - But REALLY Hot Out Here

Over 105 all week, several days 108.  But Benji and I get out and walk between 6 and 8 AM, when it's in the 70's, and again in the evenings after the sun goes down, so at least we can get out.  I found a pool, so am resuming my aqua aerobics with gusto.  I like that about AZ - there's always a time of day you can exercise, unlike, say, February in Ohio.  We have adapted the siesta practice, and am adjusting to having two sleep phases per day.  I just batten down the house, close all blinds up tight and use the swamp cooler, and it stays around 80 in here, mid-day.

Still waiting to hear about work, and in the meantime working on stuff for the home office like Webinars to teach clients.

See more excellent artwork from Chris Huang at http://www.yellowlotusdesigns.com.

Inspirational Video from a friend

" The horse and young woman are both remarkable.

 This story is truly remarkable.   Be sure to read the story  first and have the sound turned up a little bit at the start. This is absolutely awesome.  This young woman is mute.  She can't hear, nor can she speak.   No bridle, no saddle!  All commands are by touch only.  This is one of those "I wouldn't believe it unless I  saw it with my own eyes" kind of things.  

A Horse Whisperer - -    This girl riding the horse is in her twenties.  Her father passed away just 24 days before this performance.  You can hear her dedication to him  just before her performance, so turn up  your speakers a bit. Notice that it is just her and the horse - no bit, no  saddle.  She uses signals and touch cues because she's mute.  Oh, yes, this isn't even her horse. She is training it for someone else,  although she obviously has a relationship with this one.   

Link to Stacy Westfall video

One Flaw in Women - from a friend of mine - I like this

Women

Women have strengths that amaze men....

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy..

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their
family and friends..

Women have vital things to say
and everything to give..

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Unseasonable Monsoon Storm

Monsoons usually start in July but here is one complete with hail.


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Location:E Broadway Blvd,Tucson,United States

Piano Bench Cover Completed

Tada! I still got it. Hadn't used those skills in about 8 years.





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Location:E Taos Pl,Tucson,United States

The After Picture Before the Next Bedlam

This is the picture as I am just starting to sew today in my newly organized craft room!! Yes, even I can manage to do things like this during several weeks at home.

Today I plan to sew a cushion for the dining room, and pillows and piano bench cover for the living room. Yeah! Finally!

Then later, dinner and a movie (The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) with my friend and neighbor next door, Roxie.


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Location:E Taos Pl,Tucson,United States

Griefs

I'm going through a few griefs right now.  Talking about Mom sometimes brings it on.  She's everywhere with me all the time.

Made me think of this poem that I recorded.

GRIEFS
by Emily Dickenson

I measure every grief I meet
  With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
  Or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,
  Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
  It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,
  And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
  They would not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled --
  Some thousands -- on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
  Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still
  Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
  By contrast with the love.

The grieved are many, I am told;
  The reason deeper lies, --
Death is but one and comes but once,
  And only nails the eyes.

There's grief of want, and grief of cold, --
  A sort they call 'despair;'
There's banishment from native eyes,
  In sight of native air.

And though I may not guess the kind
  Correctly, yet to me
A piercing comfort it affords
  In passing Calvary,

To note the fashions of the cross,
  Of those that stand alone,
Still fascinated to presume
  That some are like my own.

A Wood-Fired Oven

It's like an oven here, at 105. It makes me burn, too, my tissues just under the skin of my forearms and hips. Smoke is thick in the air and tickles the throat. All of the sky is hazy from the fires near the New Mexico border.

But it's home and I have at last been sleeping well. Glad to be here with my chore list and my large carton of mail from the post office.

I have used the evaporative cooler all day (not air conditioning) and it stayed no higher than 80 in my adobe house. They're da bomb!

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